Taking Back the Signatures

My eating disorder made me do a lot of silly things. Like, for example, every time I turned the water off after a shower I would have to trace the word skinny on the wall of the shower and recite someones name in my head in which I wanted to look life, be like or act like. Every time I turned the water off in the shower it was as if I was signing a contract, an agreement to my eating disorder. Giving him consent to control everything about my life from the food I ate, to the clothes I wore, to the time I went to bed at night. My rational mind realized that this ritual was ludicrous, but I couldn’t help it. ED’s voice was too strong and if writing the word skinny on the shower wall made him calmer than writing skinny on the shower wall I did. The ritual became a piece of mind, a daily soapy signature that could establish a safety point if something terrible had happened or were to happen later that day. Like eating a “big” breakfast, or guiltily choosing to have a dessert that day. No matter what I ate, it would all be okay because I signed a deal with ED that no matter the food, no matter the exercise he would make me forever skeletal , thin, forever sick. 

Time elapsed. I don’t remember exactly how long but 4 or 5 years was probably the timeline in which I signed my agreement with ED. However in recovery, I feel everyday I free myself from a signature. The fine print that has invisibly run through my shower walls , chaining me forever to ED is slowly but surely being taken back and each day through recovery I’m buying back my freedom. It is challenging to deliberately and intensively work on riding a part of me that I have known for so long but I know trusting the treatment process and having a strength of mind means that everyday I am taking back a signature and getting closer and closer to a life free of ED.

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