I wish I could be elegant everyday in recovery.
Last night I watched the olympic ice skating. I have never been ice skating, I have always wanted to try it, but like I lot of things I’ve always wanted to try, I haven’t out of fear. My hesitation to ice skate comes from a sensible place, I have very poor balance due to being born with only one ear drum, my equilibrium is not up to snuff. I shy away from trying a lot of things, but shying away from skating comes from a rational place: especially after I tried the balance beam in elementary school and almost broke my hip! I am perfectly content watching ice skating without being an ice skater and my hips still intact.
Anyways, I love watching ice skating. I admire them, their bravery to glide across the unforgiving ice on shoes as thin as needles. The fearlessness in their eyes when they fly in the air. It is oddly inspiring, their strength physically and emotionally. Even without knowing their personal biographies, I can tell that they are mentally tough, their fears as thin as the ice they skate on. They are incredibly strong but at the same time exceptionally graceful and poised.
I aspire to be like an ice skater not in the sense that I want to skate but the mentality and characteristics: poise, grace, elegance, strength. I would love to continue me eating disorder treatment with poise and elegance of an ice skater, but I’ve learned that this is not possible, nor is it realistic to think that anything in this world is achieved easily. Even olympic ice skaters fall sometimes. As I was watching Canadian Olympians Meagan Duhamel and her partner Eric Radford perform I was inspired by Duhamel’s resilience. Duhamel lost her footing for a moment but she kept going unfazed and even more courageous than before. Also inspiring to me while I watched the olympic figure skating was French olympian Mae Berenice Meite, she also lost her footing a couple of times but her conviction and strength glowed as she stunningly finished her routine.
The last few days I have felt I have lost my conviction to recover. My mind feels stale and tired from plunging into memories that I would rather not remember. The healthy coping skills that have been drilled in my head during treatment play on in my brain simultaneously my head aches. I feel my composure to recover is beginning to dwindle. I’m starting to feel like a forienger in my own body, in my own life. But this is when I remember that I am courgeous, strong and poised just like a figure skater maybe not in talent but in mentality. I would be foolish to think that treatment was a seemless and elegant glide towards recovery, but rather it is filled with twists, turns, trips and traps. Just like a figure skater twists and turns and sometimes trips, but they always get back up, the conviction in their eyes and composure never leaves despite the fall. Mine does not have to either. Everyday can be elegant and graceful but it isn’t always in the way you think it may be.
If you have yet to see Meite, Duhamel and Radford’s figure skating routines at the Pyeonchang Winter Olympics you should check them out:
Enjoy ❤ And Happy Valentine’s Day! ~ Rachel