It has been a while since my mind has been so empty, present and content. I’ve come so accustomed to the constant dialogue of ED running through my mind that it is incredibly foreign this weekend to have such an open and quiet space in my mind. It is interesting because I usually associate the feeling of emptiness with feelings of sadness or loneliness, very rarely happiness and joy like what I experienced this weekend.
This past weekend four of my best friends and I stayed at a beach house in York, ME. My family has a condo up there and my parents allow us to spend weekends there. The five of us take much-needed and deserved weekends up there to take a break from life, relax and to enjoy each others company. We watch movies, play games, eat ice cream and spend money we don’t have. I love my friends and I enjoy every moment with them!
Unfortunately, last October when the five of us went to York I was in a very bad place emotionally. The whole weekend I was consumed in my eating disorder thoughts. All I thought about was food, how much I was eating, what I was eating and how I would burn it off when we got back to campus. I became frustrated with myself because I didn’t want to have those thoughts, I didn’t want to be consumed with things my authentic mind knew really didn’t matter. All I wanted was to enjoy my time with my friends and to be genuinely happy. But no matter how hard I tried to be in the moment, the eating disorder voice always found a way to reel me back into its trap and I wound up hating myself for taking me away from my friends maybe not physically at the time but emotionally.
This weekend trip to York was amazing. I was completely in the moment and genuinely enjoyed every second with my friends. This semester I am not taking classes, so I do not see my friends as often as I used to when I was living and taking classes at college, but this weekend it was like no time had passed, like no space was in between us. It was seemless, and an even greater ease existed between us. I couldn’t ask for better friends. This weekend was special because I got to enjoy a weekend away with them unspoiled by the eating disorder. It was also a promising reminder that life without ED is becomming increasingly possible.
Saturday morning I woke up early and decided to go for a run. Running is one of my passions and the beach is one of my favorite places to run, so I laced up my pink running shoes and ventured out into the empty little beach town. The beach was so quiet and peaceful, but not the same kind of peaceful as in the summer months. This peaceful was more sacred and more vast probably from the profound abandoness, emptiness. As I ran along the beach I took comfort in the vacancy of the place around me. This reminded me of my mind in that moment, blank and empty, but vast and still so full of wonder and contentment. Happily untouched and guiltlessly free.