This week this post was challenging to write because the last couple days I’ve felt a little depressed and distracted by my own thoughts. Thoughts about regret, thoughts and feelings of doubt and anxiety. Nothing particular caused these feelings but rather a mix of things. One things was that this weekend I went bathing suit shopping with my mom. I know sounds like a recipie for disaster but this was Saturday morning and Saturday morning I was feeling really good, carefree, upbeat, giggly. I was all ready to step into the store and fearlessly try on a bathing suit. I chose to try on a high waisted bikini. My fearless and carefree mood quickly fluttered away when I saw my body in the mirror of the dressing room. There was flesh where there hadn’t been any before. An abundance of panic set in, and quickly after shame and disappointment in myself followed. It was not disappointment by what I saw in the mirror it was rather dissapointment with myself for reacting in the way I did. Then I felt stupid, I had an internal dialogue cursing myself for thinking my eating disorder would not be triggered by bathing suit shopping.
My eating disorder was also triggered this weekend when I went to see the film Ladybird, with some of my best friends. It was my idea to see the movie, I had been wanting to see it for a while becuase I heard very good things about it and Saorise Ronan is one of my favorite actresses. Unfortunately multiple instances in the film my eating disorder took as an invitation to come back into my mind. There was a scene in the movie where Ronan’s character Ladybird declines lunch because she’s “trying to lose weight”. Which my eating disorder convienently reminded me that if the already thin character “had to lose weight”, then I must be a pig! I knew instantly this was an unhealthy thought so I tried to ignore it to the best of my ability. But then there was another scene! Ladybird was prom dress shopping with her mom, when she comes out of the dressing room to show her mom the dress she tried on, she is discouraged becuase it is too tight. She asks her mom “how come she can’t look like the women in the magazines?”. She also asks “why she can’t have an eating disorer and how she wishes she had one?” I actually thought that was a little comical cause little does she know how hellish it really is.
During the movie I was more angry with myself than anything that I my eating disorder and confidence was shattered from everyday normal activities. I felt ashamed, angry, frustrated. All this work I’ve been doing in treatment and I my eating disorder was still triggered.
So you could say that I needed to do this Body Appreciation post more than ever!
So here goes:
I appreciate my body for allowing me to feel pure joy and childlike laughter on the car ride to Burlington. The carefree and communal laughter I experienced in treatment this week. The shameless laughter I felt while my friends and I played pool, laughing so hard our stomachs hurt at how outrageosuly bad we all are at the game, (I am the worst at it).
I appreciate my body for giving me the energy to have a dance party in the dressing room at Macy’s. Yes I did this and I am not ashamed! Impromtu dance parties for one are better than none :).
My eyes for reading The Immortalists and for reading about careers in sociology and media studies on the web. My fingertips for trying, my hands for holding the pens in my hands as I wrote in my journal. My eyes and ears for being able to watch Ladybird with my friends, despite the little bit of triggereing content. My voal chords for talking to my friends and laughing with them.
My taste buds for allowing me to taste spicy and delicious Mexican cuisine at the Border Café.
Thanks for reading! I hope this post encourages you to appreciate your body too!