A Break-Up Letter To My Eating Disorder

Eating Disorder, 

You filthy son of a bitch. You robbed me of life. You disguised yourself as my saving grace. You were sneaky and clever. I was weak when you found me lying in my room, alone, plummeting into my insecurities. I was trapped in a web of boredom, loneliness, worthlessness and disappointment. I was spun around so tightly only you were strong enough to attempt to sever the spidery web I was suffocating in. Eventually you succeeded, you untangled me. You made me feel special, you granted me an identity, a preoccupation from the every day tribulations. You took advantage of my naive and innocent nature and before I knew it I was your slave, your loyal puppet. 

The scared little girl who lied in her bed ten years ago and longingly stared out her window, wishing desperately for a fairy godmother to turn her into a princess, has grown up. You should know I’m not longer that timid and sorrowful little girl I used to be. You should know I’ve grown up, you should know I’ve changed, after all you saw it unfold with your own eyes. In fact you yourself tried everything in your power to stop me. Every time I dipped my foot outside of your reigns, you pulled me back in. You were so powerful, you had me convinced that you were the best thing that had every happened to me. You yelled at me furiously when I tried to escape you, you cursed me, you scolded me, you had me believing you were the reason for my accomplishments. 

That is what happens when you grow up in the throws of you, eating disorder. This is what happens when I keep you around, you take credit for everything. My identity, my voice, my friends and family whom I hold dearly: you had me believing all of these things existed because of you. But now I see you were so very wrong. 

I feared for a long time, the idea of living without you, because I was overwhelmed by the following questions:  What would I do? Who would I be? Where would I go? And the truth is I don’t know yet. But for the first time in my life I am perfectly okay with that. Because I do know one thing is for certain and that is that I do not need you anymore. None of you. The past few years when I’ve tried to free myself, I’ve kept bits and pieces of you. But I’m here to tell you today I’m freeing myself of your relics. You were part of my story, woven into my life’s fabric. No longer will I allow you to taint or dictate my story, my life, my mind. 

No longer yours, 

Rachel 

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