Yesterday was my final day at the treatment center. I started at the Cambridge Center for Eating Disorders, (the CEDC) in January. I wanted to walk out the door after the first week there. Easily for the first month I cried everyday. I cried so much I think I’ve run out of tears because I don’t think I’ve been able to cry since, even when I’ve felt like I’ve needed to. I don’t even have tears left for a good success or happy cry. It’s okay though, I won’t complain, I’ve come to far.
The person who I was two months ago, is incredibly different from the person I am today. I am nervous to be leaving the CEDC. I’m scared of relapsing, of having a bad day and out of impulse and habit falling back to ED. ED flairs up in my mind and reminds me that he can come out now, and this makes me nervous. What if I’m not strong enough to, what if I’m not ready. But I won’t let him.Those thoughts are only the self doubt talking. I’ve let ED done his damage too many times before, and I’ve come to far to let him back in. It may be a consistent battle, but it is a battle I am willing to fight, everyday I will resist. I have to tools I need, I’ve learned more about myself in the last two months that I’ve never known before. I have a wonderful support team, extraordinary family and friends. The empty space that was once filled with remnants of ED, is now my space to fill. I plan to fill it with all the hopes and dreams that ED for so many years had buried in the dust.