Boredom is no stranger to my eating disorder. In fact often boredom has been an invitation to ED to come out and play. It’s tempting when your mind wonders to accept the invitation for stimulation, for something to think about so the boredom can subside. Minds wonder, but eventually they have to land, like how a leaf does not float in the air forever, gravity eventually lands it to the ground. External messages about weight, bodies and food make it almost impossible for the mind to never be idle. In my body, out in the world there is always something to analyze, something to criticize, to judge, to wonder if I could improve and I always came to the conclusion I’d never be enough. The eating disorder follows my boredom around like a little lost puppy Expect ED isn’t cute, the sight of him doesn’t make me happy, instead I should compare him to a sneaky thief, whose never up to any good.
The last couple days I’ve been finding myself bored more often than not. I’ve been in the process of applying for jobs, spending wonderful quality time with friends and going to appointments with my outpatient team. But in between this, on the down days where I don’t have much planned is when my eating disorder likes to come out to play. He sends doubt and criticism through my body, he makes my eyes see things that aren’t their and my ears hear noises that don’t come from mine but someone, something else’s imagination.
To keep the eating disorder thoughts at bay I like to go outside. The environment around me brings me out of my head. The singing of the birds and the rustling of the wind takes my listening ears away from ED. I feel the breeze and I’m reminded that I’m alive, and there’s no greater gift that being here, being free. ED can knock on my door all he wont’s but I won’t let him in. When I’m bored I go outside know, and instead of thinking about the things ED wants be to think about I think about the land before me, the atmosphere. I look up at the clouds in the sky and try to name the shade of blue the sky is today. Or take in the grass and the branches on the tree that have been covered for so long in freezing snow.
I can hear the robins and the jays talking to each other from their respective branches. I can see old and new nests they’ve made high in the pine trees. I can lay in the grass and take in the heat of the sun without being to cold or sweltering as in the summer heat. It’s a cool sunny spring day, before the bees and the wasps buzz around pollinating the flowers. everything around me soaks up the sun, I lay and soak up the sun and I don’t bring my eating disorder