May the month of the blooming of the flowers, the richness of the of color and life renewed. The fullness of the trees, the vibrant green of the grass returned and the songs of birds as they chirp happily rejoicing the end of winters long reign. Despite the returned beauty of the outer world, my inner world has long associated with endings. The leftover leaves from autumn’s exit leaves behind an echoing reminder that every rose as its thorn.
May, long thought of in my life as the month of endings as come once again. The returned warmth of the sun, starts to feel like a burden, the cloudless skies illustrating the emptiness and abandonment bestowed upon my life by my eating disorder.
In May comes transition, comes changes. Changing of the seasons run parallel with the changes in my life. But the change as long been an ironic one. Frozen and numb admist the growing heat of the sun. Hungry despite the flourishing gardens and berry bushes bursting with little bundles of juicy sweetness. Lonely, deprived and exhausted from watching the world come alive, as I sit stuck in the dark corners of my mind. Waiting for the world to symbolize my mood in a more accurate way. For in May I become a stranger to the world and the world simultaneously becomes a stranger to me. How could I survive the regeneration of life, when my life is deteriorating, I’ve never felt so mocked.
Today marks five weeks since I was discharged from the Cambridge Center for Eating Disorders (the CEDC). Here I am remembering the difficulty in the changing of the seasons. Eating disorder does not like change, transitions have ED fleeing, taking me with him. I will not follow him this time, for May is the month of beginnings, not endings. The brightened landscape no longer mocks my life, it’s surely a metaphor that there is truly a light at the end of the dark tunnels that we find ourselves getting lost in.